Graces

Madelynne has reached the two month mark and routine has been established within the Schroeder household. At five weeks, I was beginning to second guess myself as a mom, wondering if I would ever get the hang of this. I felt like a juggler trying to balance planning for my college courses I’m teaching, continuously looking for full time work (Wyoming or Colorado would be very nice!!), working on my PhD, and being a mom.  I was awed by the constant give and take that stay at home mom’s deal with every day. It is not easy to stay at home. But it is also not easy to be a professional, working mom, as well. I am lucky to fall somewhere in the middle, yet I realize what a task it has been to find a sense of balance with all that is on my plate.

In the past two months, I have taken away three graces in my time with Madelynne. The first of these is to go with the flow, which ties in with the idea of releasing my control over situations. I hate not knowing what the outcome or future will hold. I am the type of person to have a plan and have control over a situation. I’m organized, punctual and timely. I’m managed and a perfectionist. These qualities existed with me prior to pregnancy, throughout my pregnancy, and I imagined in my head, if I had still had a full time teaching position, they would have transferred to that, as well. But, like I should have been listening to God many, many times before, this whole parenting thing is a “go with the flow” type of ordeal. My days are not mechanical, as they once used to be, and as we gradually settle into a routine, I’m still trying to figure this whole new role out. I’m not accustomed to the whole “housewife” mentality, and although the chores and daily routines were put off to the weekend when I had the time, now they evolve sporadically in allotted time slots throughout the week. For example, a hair appointment strategically set during her naptime so that I can get in and out quickly, while she slumbers in her carrier is the same time frame I can run errands and maybe sneak in a lunch with Brad. But being flexible is definitely an attribute she has added to my life.

Since I should have been listening to God all along, I would have really allowed the adage “Let Go, let God”. However, it took having Madelynne for me to really allow this saying to have full effect on me. She has taught me to let go of the past. The past two years have been nothing but an uphill climb through some serious, tough terrain, and I kept releasing that rope, that kept holding me back from reaching the top, just to stay there and not advance. There, I wrestled with the demons of my past, questioning my place in the world and what I am supposed to be doing, when all along, I have always known. We are all given gifts and a purpose, otherwise our lives would be meaningless, and regardless of our beliefs, I truly don’t feel we were just put on earth to live and die. It doesn’t always make sense, but sometimes things happen for a reason to make us appreciate life and the people around us, just a little more. So finally, despite how much I want control and how I want to know what the future holds Madelynne has graced me with the gift of taking everything day by day and enjoying life for what it’s worth. She’s two months old and she isn’t worried about anything. She coos and awes when she sees our faces and smiles because she knows we love her. She is completely content. I am realizing the faith of a child is so much more powerful than I had ever imagined and can finally really believe that saying, because it will all work out. And so far, it has.

The last thing I’ve learned is patience. I’m teaching part time as an adjunct and my students are testing me. They’re testing me with their talkative nature when I’m trying to instruct (I thought that was supposed to go away once you graduate high school? J ), or testing me with questions on assignments. Maybe they are overwhelmed because it’s a new world for them, or because my course is a hybrid---so elements are both in class and online. But what is funny, as flustered or frustrated I get at the end of class, I never let it get to me and typically let it all go by the time I pick up Madelynne from Dede’s.  I realize that I have a lot more patience than I ever did before in dealing with such benign problems. Most of the problems are correctable, and most of it is a learning process, as I’m trying to teach from a new textbook and create two courses as the quarter advances, as well as grade, plan, and teach, all at the same time. But I’ve realized, by being able to handle a screaming baby who is not getting her way at that very moment to handling young adults, non-traditional students, and teenagers who sometimes act very similar, I am reminded that yes, I can make it through this just fine. And teaching, being in the classroom, is right where I am supposed to be. I am finally happy not overwhelmed or drained or exhausted. I’m content and challenged, and enjoying my part-time, adjunct position that I cannot wait to teach full time again. But a teacher is what I am supposed to be. It is my purpose and why I am here. Despite the short comings I have faced the past two years, there is a perfect job out there for me and right now, the part time gig is perfect enough for my life at this moment.

Becoming a parent has been a new role and I’m adjusting accordingly. I don’t envy those individuals that don’t have to haul their baby in and out of the car or lug around a diaper bag instead of a purse. I like the fact that I get compliments from complete strangers on how sweet my daughter is or from my doctor’s office nurse who made the comment that I’m a complete natural at this whole mom thing. I love my new role and I love the graces that Madelynne has given me. She is a blessing and a very special little person that has many more life lessons she will continue to teach her father and I. 

Out for a walk

Hiking with Mom

Smiling at her moose